- I'm sorry. - Oh, my God. That's it.
You just barge in here and you don't knock?
You have no respect for anybody's privacy.
- Rachel, wait. - No, you wait.
- Can I just say one thing? - What? What?
That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your...
...nippular area. - Ugh!
Honey, honey, tell them the story about your patient...
...who thinks things are other things.
You know?
Like when the phone rings and she takes a shower...
That's pretty much it.
But you tell it really well, sweetie.
Thanks. Okay.
Now go away so we can talk about you.
Okay. I'll miss you.
Isn't he great?
He's so cute. And he likes you so much.
I know. I know.
He's so sweet. And so complicated, you know?
And for a shrink, he's not too "shrinky." You know?
So you think you'll do it on his couch?
Oh. I don't know. That's a little weird.
It's vinyl.
- Okay. You guys want anything else? - Oh, yes.
- Could I have...? - Sorry, we're all out.
- Anybody else? - Okay.
Did I, uh, miss something?
No, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.
What were you doing seeing her boobies?
It was an accident.
I wasn't across the street with a telescope and a box of doughnuts.
Can we change the subject, please?
Because, hello? These aren't her "boobies." These are her breasts.
Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.
I don't know why you're embarrassed. They were very nice boobies.
"Nice"?
They were "nice"?
That's it? I mean, mittens are "nice."
Okay. Rock, hard place...
...me.
You're so funny.
He's really funny.
I wouldn't want to be there when the laughter stops.
Whoa, whoa. Back up there, sparky.
What did you mean by that?
It seems that maybe you have intimacy issues...
...that you use your humor to keep people at a distance.
Huh.
I mean, hey, I just met you. I don't know you from Adam.
Only child, right?
Parents divorced before you hit puberty.
Uh-huh. How did you know?
It's textbook.
Hey, you guys.
You all know my dad, right?
- How long are you in the city? - A couple of days.
I got a job midtown.
I figure I'm better off staying with the kid...
...than hauling my ass back and forth on the ferry.
I don't know this one.
- Oh. This is my friend Roger. - Hi.
- Good to meet you. - You too.
What happened to the, uh, puppet guy?
- Dad, uh... - Oh, oh.
Excuse me.
So, Ross, uh, how's the wife?
Oh for two, huh? Heh.
Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny.
Gotta go. Ha, ha. I miss you too.
I love you, but it's getting late now...
Let me say hi. Hey, Ma.
Listen, I made the appointment with Dr. Bassida and...
Excuse me?
Did you know this isn't Ma?
Her name's Ronni.
She's a pet mortician.
Sure.
So how long have you been...
Remember when you were a kid, I'd take you to the Navy yard...
...and show you the big ships?
- Since then? - No, it's only been six years.
I wanted to give you a nice memory...
...so you'd know I wasn't always such a terrible guy.
Joe, have you ever been in love?
I don't know.
Then you haven't.
- You're burning your tomatoes. - Hmm. You're one to talk.
Joe, your dad's in love, bigtime.
And the worst part is, it's with two different women.
Oh, man. Please tell me one of them is Ma.
Of course one of them's Ma. What's the matter with you?
It's like if you woke up one day and found out...
...your dad was leading this double life.
He's, like, actually some spy working for the CIA.
That'd be cool.
This blows.
I know. Why can't parents just stay parents?
Why do they have to become people?
Why do they have...?
Why...
...can't you stop staring at my breasts?
What?
Didn't you get a good enough look the other day?
All right, we're all adults here.
There's only one way to resolve this.
Since you saw her boobies...
...I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your pee-pee.
You know, I don't see that happening.
Come on. He's right. Tit for tat.
Well I'm not showing you my tat.
Hello?
- It's Phoebe. - And Rog.
Come on up.
Oh, good. Rog is here.
- What's the matter with Rog? - Nothing. It's a little thing.
I hate that guy.
What? So he was a little analytical. That's what he does.
Come on, he's not that bad.
That's where you're wrong. Why would I marry her...
...if I thought on any level that she was a lesbian?
I don't know.
Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail.
- Ha, ha. - Why? Why would I? Why?
Why? Why? Why?
I don't know. Maybe low self-esteem?
Maybe to compensate for overshadowing a sibling. Maybe...
Wait. Go back to that "sibling" thing.
Well, I don't know.
It's conceivable that you sabotaged your marriage...
...so the sibling would be less of a failure in the parents' eyes.
That's ridiculous. I don't feel guilty for her failures.
- Oh, so you think I'm a failure? - Isn't he good?
Yeah. No. That's not what I was saying.
All these years, I thought you were on my side...
...but maybe you were sucking up to Mom and Dad...
...so they'd favor you.
Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.
You're right.
I mean, you're right.
It wasn't just the Weebles, but it was the Weeble Play Palace...
...and the Weeble's Cruise Ship...
...which had this little lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in.
That's tough, tough stuff.
Pheebs, if we're gonna catch that movie, we gotta go.
Okay. Feel better, okay?
- We're gonna be late, sweetie. - Okay.
- Listen, thanks for everything, Mon. - No problem.
It was great seeing you again.
Mon, uh, easy on those cookies, okay?
Remember, they're just food...
...they're not love.
I hate that guy.
Good night, you guys.
Oh, look. It's the woman we ordered.
Hey. Can, uh... Can we help you?
Oh. No, thanks. I'm just waiting for, uh, Joey Tribbiani.
I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Oh. Oh, no, not you. Big Joey.
Oh, my God.
You're so much cuter than your pictures.
I'm Ronni.
Cheese Nip?
Uh, Joey's having an embolism...
...but I'd go for a Nip.
You see, most people, when their pets pass on...
...they want them laid out like they're sleeping.
But occasionally you get a person who wants them in a pose.
Like, uh, chasing their tail.
Or, uh, jumping to catch a Frisbee.
Joey, if I go first, I want to be looking for my keys.
- That's a good one. - Hey, Joe.
Hey, Dad. Ronni's here.
- Huh? - Hi.
- Hey. RONNl: Hey.
Hello, babe.
What are...? What are you doing here?
Oh, uh, you left your hair at my apartment.
I figured you'd need it for your meeting.
Thank you. Uh...
So who's up for a big game of Kerplunk?
Look, I, uh...
I shouldn't have come.
I gotta go. I'll miss the last train.
No, I don't want you taking that thing this late.
- Where am I gonna stay? Here? - Whoa.
We'll go to a hotel.
- No, you won't. - No, we won't.
If you go to a hotel, you'll be doing stuff.
I want you right here, where I can keep an eye on you.
You're gonna keep an eye on us?
That's right, mister.
I don't care how old you are, while you're here...
...you're gonna live by my rules.
And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend.
Wow, he's strict.
Dad, you'll be in my room.
Ronni, uh, you can stay in Chandler's room.
Thanks. You're a good kid.
Come on. I'll show you to my room.
That sounds weird when it's not followed by, "No, thanks, it's late."
Okay. This is just for tonight. Starting tomorrow, you gotta change.
- Six years is long enough. - What kind of change?
- Break up with Ronni... - I can't.
Then come clean with Ma. This is not right.
I don't wanna hear it. Now go to my room.
Hey, kickie.
- What are you doing? - Trying to get comfortable.
- I can't sleep in my underwear. - Well, you're gonna.
I've been thinking...
...about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls.
Are they end-to-end, or tall, like pancakes?
You know what I mean. How I date all these women.
I always figured, when the right one comes along...
...I'll be able to be a standup guy and go the distance, you know?
Now I'm looking at my Dad thinking...
You're not him, you're you.
When they wanted you to go into your father's business, did you cave?
- No. - No.
You decided to go into the out-of-work-actor business.
That wasn't easy, but you did it.
And I believe that when the right woman comes along...
...you'll have the guts to say:
"No thanks, I'm married."
You really think so?
Yeah. I really do.
- Thanks, Chandler. - Get off.
- Hi. - Hi.
May I help you?
Uh, Joey said I could use your shower since, uh, Chandler's in ours.
Okay. Who are you?
- Oh, uh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rapalono. - Uh-huh.
The mistress?
- Um, come on in. - Thanks.
Hi, I'm Rachel. Bathroom's up there.
Hey, Ronni.
How long has Chandler been in the shower?
Oh. Like, uh, five minutes.
Perfect.
Fasten your seat belts...
...it's pee-pee time.
Hey, Mr. Trib.
Hey. Good morning, dear.
Chandler Bing, it's time to see your thing.
- What's the matter with you? - I thought it was Chandler.
You were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing.
Sorry, my thing was in there with me.
- Hey. - Hey, Pheebs.
- How's it going? - Good. Oh, oh.
Roger's having a dinner thing and he wanted me to invite you guys.
- So, what's going on? - Nothing.
It's just that, uh...
It's Roger.
Um, ahem, I don't know. There's something about... Ahem.
Basically, we just feel that he's, uh...
We hate that guy.
We hate him.
We're sorry, Pheebs.
Uh-huh. Okay.
Don't you think maybe it's just that he's so perceptive...
...that it freaked you out?
- No, I hate him. - No, we hate him.
I'm sorry.
Ma. What are you doing here?
I came to give you this...
...and this. - Ow.
Big ring.
Why did you fill your father's head with that garbage...
...about making things right?
Things were fine the way they were.
There's chicken in there. Put it away.
For God's sake, Joey. Really.
Hold on. You knew?
Of course I knew. What do you think?
Your father is no James Bond.
You should have heard his cover stories.
"I'm sleeping over at my accountant's."
I mean, what is that? Please.
So then, how could you...?
Do you remember how your father used to be?
Always yelling. Nothing made him happy.
Not that wood shop, not those stupid little ships in the bottle.
Now he's happy.
I mean, it's nice. He has a hobby.
Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but...
...what the hell are you talking about?
- I mean, what about you? - Me? I'm fine.
Look, honey...
...in an ideal world...
...there'd be no her and your father would look like Sting.
And I'll tell you something else:
Ever since that poodle-stuffer came along...
...he's been so ashamed of himself that he's been more attentive.
He's been more loving.
It's like every day is our anniversary.
I'm happy for you?
Well, don't be.
Because now everything's screwed up.
I just want it the way it was.
Ma, I'm sorry.
I just did what I thought you'd want.
I know you did, cookie. Oh, I know you did.
So tell me...
Did you see her?
Yeah.
You're 10 times prettier than she is.
That's sweet.
Could I take her?
With this ring, no contest.
- What's wrong, sweetie? - Nothing.
No, no. What's wrong? Come on.
Okay.
It's nothing. I'm fine.
It's just, um... It's my friends.
They have a liking problem with you...
...in that, um...
...they don't.
Oh. They don't?
But you know...
...they don't see all of the wonderfulness that I see.
They don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff.
They think you're a little...
- What? - Intense and creepy.
Oh.
But I don't. Me. Phoebe.
Well, I'm not at all surprised they feel that way.
You're not? See, that's why you're so great.
Actually, it's quite typical behavior...
...when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic.
You know, this kind of codependent...
...emotionally stunted...
...sitting in your stupid coffeehouse, with your stupid big cups...
...which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them.
And you're all like, "Oh, define me. Define me.
Love me. I need love."
So you talked to your dad, huh?
Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on Ma, like she wanted.
Ma's gonna keep pretending she doesn't know even though she does.
And my sister Tina can't see her husband anymore...
...because he got a restraining order.
Which has nothing to do with it, except that I found out today.
Wow.
Things sure have changed here on Walton's mountain.
So, Joey, are you okay?
Yeah, I guess.
It's just... You know, they're parents.
After a certain point, you gotta let go.
Even if you know better...
...you gotta let them make their own mistakes.
And just think...
...in a couple years, we get to turn into them.
Oh, please.
If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond...
...chasing after 20-year-old boys...
...or I'll end up like my mom.
- Hey. - Hey, Pheebs.
How's it going?
Okay, except I broke up with Roger.
Oh.
Yeah, right.
No, no, really. Aw.
- What happened? - Ugh. I don't know. I mean...
He's a good person...
...and he can be really sweet.
And in some ways, I think he is so right for me.
It's just, I hate that guy.
Hey, Joey. What's going on?
Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express.
Next stop, Rachel Green.
Joey, what the hell were you doing?
Sorry, wrong boobies.
Hello, Joey.
Hello, dear.